She began to question if she had a place in this group.

It’s nice to be back in the Twelveswood again.  I’ve spent so many suns in Limsa Lominsa lately that I’ve started to get used to the smell.  I’m not sure I like that.  What if that scent is on me?  I hope it washes off in the clean water here.

I haven’t been able to keep track of Nahue lately either.  I hope he’s doing well.  I have no doubts that Isilme will be harsh on him.  She takes the role of protector very seriously, and will force him to do the same.  As for me, I still feel as Nel isn’t going all out.  She knows I’ve progressed beyond what she expected.  Nel is probably the only woman I know who could stand up to her.  If I can’t at least match Nel, I will never defeat my enemy.  I hope she knows how serious I am about this.

There was a gathering earlier this sun, in the Twelveswood.  It’s the reason I returned.  Most everyone was already gathered when I arrived.  Normally I’d have been the first one, but I haven’t been home.  There were so many there that I didn’t recognize.  I was attempting to put the voices I hear over the pearl with the faces I didn’t recognize, but not many were talking when I slipped in the back of the camp.

I wasn’t sure what to expect from the gathering, but now I feel a little excited for the future of this group.  We need a place to gather together, a place like the Everwatch HQ.  I think with that, things will begin to fall into place.  I think most of the others understand that as well.  Lady Eva stressed that this was not her trying to revive Everwatch, but…  Perhaps that’s exactly what should happen.  Some direction, a purpose, perhaps a reason to exist that I’m not ashamed of.  I really hope this happens, and soon.

The issue of donations was brought up.  As badly as I want this to happen, I don’t know that I can donate much at all.  Nahue has gil, I suppose I could ask him for some.  I hope he will understand what this means to me.  I know I met him after Everwatch had disbanded.

But then, and this eve had made this apparent, things won’t ever be as they were.  Everyone was already grouped up as I arrived.  Nel and Isilme sat together and Shiro was off to the side with Flandre.  In the distance I saw a few people I didn’t recognize, and next to them was Aysun, Selene, Eva, and a man I don’t know.  I assumed this must be this “Fenix” I hear them talk to and talk about over the pearl.  Next to me, a little ways away, was a woman I had never seen before as well.

This was my first time seeing Selene in over five cycles.  I wanted to talk to her.  I have no idea what I would have said, but I really wanted to.  It was the first time I had seen an old dear friend in so long.  She hadn’t changed much, but I have.  I guess I wanted to talk to her, and to Lady Eva, because I want to know if these changes have made me more than I used to be, or less.

When Lady Eva was finished speaking, most people talked in their groups.  I was going to wait for a free moment to approach Selene, but eventually Nel approached me first.  We discussed the training and a duel next sun.  I made sure she knew I was serious.  We only talked for a bit, and for whatever reason she urged me to go speak with other people.  I’ve nearly become a forest hermit in the last cycle.  Any social skills I had have deteriorated to the point where I feel inept at speaking to people as a whole.

I looked over the people remaining.  It was Lady Eva and Shiro in what looked like a very serious discussion with Flandre.  I was not about to interrupt that.  And then it was Selene and Aysun talking to two other people I don’t know.  Those were my only options.  Maybe I should have pushed my way into that conversation, but it just seemed like it would have turned out poorly.  Maybe Selene didn’t see me.  Or maybe she still doesn’t care to speak with me still, like back before the red moon fell.  I suppose it’s only been a moon or two for her.  I decided it was best if I just left.  They all seemed busy, and I had things I needed to do.

So I set out to make a patrol in my traveling clothes.  It’s probably fortunate that I didn’t encounter anything.  Not yet anyway.

At last, she has started to be truthful with herself.

Many light wispy lines are drawn over the top of the parchment, familiar old designs from old entries are present again.

Ive been oddly reminiscent recently, my thoughts ever on happy suns past.  I’ve been trying to find meaning in the events of my life.  Perhaps it’s just been all the down time I’ve had.  Time not doing what I’ve been doing in the eves for the past cycle.  Gods, over a cycle of this misery.  This fruitless searching wears me down.  I’d be a husk if not for Nahue.  I’ve been doing less hunting, and more spending time with my mate.  I feel guilty, as if I’m abandoning my search… abandoning my son.  But this kills me inside, and spending time with Nahue seems to heal the hurt little by little.

I couldn’t possibly go into detail, but Nahue and I…  our intimacy has been restored.  It’s stronger than ever, I’d even say.  I needed this, I think he did too.  I think we both needed to know that we each still needed the other.  It’s exciting now.

I don’t remember when it was, I think it was about 3 cycles ago, when I hurled that axe into the bottom of the lake in the eastern Twelvewood.  It was right after Nahue was injured, and…  Well, it was right after everything happened.  I never wanted to see that axe again.  It was big, it was heavy, it was ugly, it was HER’S.  But as I reminisce of the happy times, my study of combat under her keeps creeping in.  It’s almost as if the woman I adored and wanted to become is not the same she-demon I hunt every eve.  I remember her words when she handed a Mnahri that was only 14 cycles old an axe she could not hope to lift.

“You want to surpass me?  You’ll have no more hope than snow in the seven hells unless you can wield this.”

She dropped the half into my arms and laughed and I fell over from the weight.  I’ve carried that axe around for cycles ever since.  Before I wanted to surpass her so she’d think of me as an equal, an ally, a friend.  Now I need to surpass her, or I’ll never see him again.  I’ll never restore the honor I’ve lost, the memory of my tribe.

So I almost died drowning.  I pulled that damned axe from the bottom of that lake.  Dragged it along the lake bed, swam up for air, dragged it further down the lake bed, until I pulled it up shore.  Mossy and filthy, I carried it back to my mate.  Nahue seemed surprised by its quality.  But it’s condition was another story.  He wasn’t sure he could restore it.  He said something about reforging it.  Nahue is amazing with metal and machines, and even forged himself a suit of heavy armor…  It’s really solid and well made, even if he does look a bit silly wearing it.

Speaking of which, he first showed it to me by leaving a note on the door of our home, saying to go to his workshop inside.  Inside there, I couldn’t find him, just this shiny looking heavy armor suit in the corner.  I didn’t notice the swaying silver tail coming out of the back at first.  He surprised me when he started moving.  I’ve never known him to wear armor before, and he admitted to me that he made it because he was training with the sword and shield.

The sweet boy I fell in love with 5 cycles ago had become bigger, stronger, and protective of me.  Now he was learning to fight.  I told him that his hands had the gift to create. He didn’t need to use them to destroy…  not like I do.  But he insisted.  He was serious.  So then I proposed an idea.  We would travel to the seasalt-reeking hive of Limsa Lominsa, so Nahue could learn from the best sword and shield user I know.  Isilme.  I would ask Nel if I could resume my training with her as well.  I know I’ve improved a great deal since I last crossed a blade with her.  I need to know if I’ve improved enough to stand as an equal.  If not, then I will train until I am.  Nahue then had the idea to pool the talents of himself and the Celestial Forge to see if Nakko’s axe that I pulled from the lake could be properly reforged.  We will make the trip soon.

Sometimes my need for these trees wanes.  I love my home forever and always, but right now in my life, being here hurts. 

She wasn’t willing to go all out just to win.

**A few deeply pressed scrawls of ink are scratched into the parchment around the edges.**

Usually in victory I still feel defeated.  This past sun, in defeat, I still felt victorious.

In the woods of all places, I found him.  He had said he’d never been to the Twelvewood, yet there he was, that Seeker male, K’anko.  He had a hatchet and was trying to hack at a tree haphazardly.  I decided to give him a bit of a scare, perhaps a warning.  I dropped down in front of him, giving as firm as a warning as I felt I could without outright threatening him.  I’m not completely sure what his reaction meant.  I think…  and this is very amusing looking back now, that he thought I was some kind of vengeful spirit or an elemental.  His reaction was a little obvious even to me.

He wanted to fight, of course.

He didn’t exactly ask my opinion either.  The fight started and I knew not if he was attempting to kill me or if he was fighting the “forest spirit” for sport.  He seemed serious.  What worried me was the heat he suddenly produced.  I was afraid he’d set a blaze in the Twelveswood.  I had to give him no targets to burn.  I vanished.  He knew not the sounds and smells of the woods.  Behind him I dropped down, grabbed him around the neck, held the dagger to his face.  That would have been the end.  If things were serious, it would have been over there.

I should have known he wouldn’t just give me the victory.  He grabbed the blade of my dagger, it cut his hand deeply, and somehow it became hot enough to begin melting the metal.  I dropped the dagger and jumped away from him.  I had no choice to remove my mask.  The safety of the woods could have been at risk.  This was not his desert, I would allow no fire here.  I called Freki to distract, K’anko almost injured him.  I called the pack, but I didn’t have the wolves sic.  They don’t know restraint, and I feared K’anko might kill one before they tore into him.

He looked at me, he recognized me, and wanted to know why I tried to kill him.  I didn’t try to kill him.

He would have been dead if I had.

He still wanted to fight.  The fight was different now.  I didn’t know if I could hold back, I haven’t had to in so long.  I was worried that I’d end up hurting him.  Well, I guess I did that anyway.  The fight was so sloppy, embarrassing… But he was very fast, he was agile, and he was stronger than I am.  I swung my axe, it cut into his metal boot, got wedged there.  I think the impact broke his leg, but it also disarmed me.  The rest of the fight was a grappling match.  My wolves wanted to help.  I never let them.  I wrestled with this obviously larger and stronger male for what seemed like a bell at least.  Chokes, punches, and such…  I think I broke open a previous injury when I wrapped my legs around his midsection and squeezed until he yelled out.  His sides were bleeding now.  I was winning.  He knew it.  Then he got me.  He shut out his pain and went for my tail.  He bent it sharply then bit as hard as he could, and he didn’t let go until I cried out that I give up.

It hurt so badly.  He bit my fur off.  I was so upset.  I lost… yet…

He was dying.  He was bleeding badly from the fight from his hand and his sides, his leg was broken from my axe and he had passed out the moment I gave up.

That man is crazy.  I had to bandage him up, I struggled to use the knowledge of healing I still remembered to keep him alive.  I waited there next to him until he woke up.  My skills with healing aren’t as strong as most, so I still had to make sure he got to the Stillglade Fane.  We spoke a bit after he recovered enough to talk.  It seemed he was trying to court Alothia now, and he gave me a pearl to try and contact her.

After that, I just returned home to Nahue.  I didn’t win a fight with a man who lay bleeding and dying.  I don’t know if that’s makes me pathetic or not.  I made me feel weak, to bandage a broken man who you just lost a fight to.

I spent the eve with Nahue, telling him how I felt.  He tried to cheer me up, telling me that I was just holding back.  I was, but…  Does that mean all I can do in battle is kill?  My injuries were very light.  The heat from his hands burned through the leather on my arms.  It left a burn mark in the shape of his hand as it gripped my arm tightly.  Then of course there was my tail.  He hurt me badly there.  Bending it sharply then biting it as hard as he could.  Nahue wrapped my arm in bandaging and put a splint on my tail.  It was rather humiliating walking… or rather, trying to walk around with that.  My balance is completely off, I keep almost falling over.  I can’t go out into the Twelveswood until this thing is off my tail.

Regardless, I feel I need to improve my unarmed training, and now I need a new dagger.

Her well of emotion finally overflows.

Still in this city.  This place really brings out the worst in me.

Wait…  I haven’t killed anyone here.  That statement isn’t true at all.

I still haven’t accomplished anything.  Not anything positive anyway.  Nahue and I found the tavern.  I can’t remember how the name on the sign was spelled.  Soulilyque?  I don’t remember…  What language is that?  Anyway…

We sat there in the tavern, just looking around.  It was busy that night.  I don’t think the staff ever asked us if we wanted anything.  It’s fine, I don’t think either Nahue or I would have wanted anything anyway.  I didn’t see Alothia anywhere.  Which is probably a good thing in the end.  I did see Paradyme and he was injured.  The shouting from the bar could be easily heard from our table.  It sounded like Paradyme had slept with a Hyur woman who was currently sitting at the bar while still with Alothia.  I thought they were getting married?

I don’t really know what the rules or conditions of being married are, but I do know that you are only supposed to sleep with that one person.  I don’t think Alothia and Paradyme have a marriage like Nel and Isilme, because I overheard that someone had thrown Paradyme through a table here in the tavern for his actions.  I did not get involved.

Well, I didn’t.  But I wanted to.  That man I met, the same man who told me he had no idea where this tavern was, sat up at the bar.  K’anko.  He was here and he was trying to taunt Paradyne.  He wanted to fight the injured man.  I started talking loudly, about how he was acting towards Paradyme.  Nahue became upset, telling me not to speak like that in this city, that I was asking for trouble.  Well, I suppose I was asking for trouble.  I wanted K’anko to hear me.  But not only did he not hear me, he never even saw me. He had no idea I was ever there.  Things got much worse after that.  But not in the tavern.  It was when Nahue and I returned to the inn room.  I had accomplished nothing.  I was miserable and angry at having to abandon the wood for nothing.  Nahue started to scold me.  He was actually scolding me.  I snapped at him.

I can’t remember it well, the fight we had was an emotional blur.  He told me I was stupid.  Stupid for asking for trouble in this city.  I told him he didn’t know what I was capable of, that I was not scared of the damned drunken scum who brawl for pointless reasons and piss in the alleys.  He said said that there is never just one.  They always had more friends.  I don’t know why I was so upset, even a little insulted.

I remember throwing my axe down and saying I didn’t even need it.  He had no idea.  No one does.  But I broke my oath when I showed him.  Both of my blades.  He was a shocked that he’d never noticed, never saw them, had no idea I carried them.  I told him what I did out in the woods.  That I was a murderer.  That I can handle myself.  The oafish simpletons who think themselves intimidating here in this pisshole city don’t scare me in the least any longer.

He still yelled at me.  He said I don’t know how the world works, that I was naive.  I said he didn’t understand how the Twelveswood worked.  I didn’t care how the rest of the world worked.

It only got worse from there.

He cut me deep.  I told him that he was sleeping with a murderer.  He said he wasn’t.  He wasn’t because I was always in the woods and never with him.  He’s right.  I could no longer fight with him.  He defeated me just like that.  I cried.

He didn’t have to forgive me, he didn’t have to hold me, he didn’t have to stick around and put up with the things I do and who I am, but he did all of these things.  I don’t know why he still loves me, but he does.

After that, we just stayed close to each other and talked.  It was nice.  We laughed a little too.

But the next sun I heard the reason Alothia was not in the tavern was because she had traveled to Gridania.  This entire trip was for nothing.  Well, no, that’s not fair.  Nahue had reason to come here.  We are returning home shortly, and are currently awaiting the airship.

Still no love for the city reeking of sea salt.

Gods damn Limsa Lominsa.

I try my hardest to keep my opinions of this hive to myself, it is Nahue’s home after all.  He had business here and I wanted to look for the Celestial Forge to see Nel and Isilme.  I also wanted to find the tavern that Paradyme spoke of, the one I could likely find Alothia in.

Well, I never found Nel and Isilme.  I never found Alothia.  I did find a seeker man who appeared to be pursued by pirates, or some other equally unsavory men.  I watched him outwit the men, jumping over a railing and hanging on while the men jumped after but kept running.  It almost reminded me of the kinds of things I would have to do, if I were to hunt in such a place as this.

Maybe that’s why I talked to him.  Or maybe I was just amused by his clever move.  His name is K’anko, and he is just about everything I would assume a Seeker male would be.  He is loud, he is aggressive, he is over confident, he is obsessed with fighting, and he is probably nothing but trouble.

Now that I think about it, I remember him cursing this city after he evaded his pursuers.  I think that’s why I came over to see if he was hurt.  His arm was in bandages after all.

I never did ask about that.  I didn’t think it would have been a good first impression to seem nosy.  Though he looked like a rough sort, my conversation with him was rather pleasant.  We talked about training and combat styles, where we were from and how we both hated this damn city.  Or maybe that was just me.  I remember telling him about the Twelveswood and he told me of his home in the sands of Thanalan.  He also mentioned some trouble with the Uldah syndicate, but I did not ask anything further about that.

Then the subject of fighting and killing came up.  Neither of us seemed to want to go into any details.  I think we both agreed, though.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes you have to kill.  But there is no enjoyment in doing so.

We walked through the city together for a bit.  I was still looking for Nel’s forge.  K’anko didn’t know where that or this tavern was located as he wasn’t used to this place either.  I assume I’ll likely never see him again, but I wouldn’t mind if I did.

I spent the eve with Nahue.  He showed me the sights, but…  He could tell other things were on my mind.  I’m here for a reason, I want to see to that reason then get back to my task in the Twelveswood.  One part of the sea looks the same as every other part.  Water is water, and boats are boats.  I just hope I haven’t hurt Nahue with my negativity to this place.

Next sun Nahue and I will go together to that tavern.  I told him I didn’t want to go to such places alone. 

A glimer of hope, or yet another dead end?

Nothing.  Still nothing.  Yet my biggest fear is whether or not the trail really went cold or if I’ve missed something.

I have known that I needed help, but this isn’t something I can ask for.  My mate is not even involved in my past, and he was hurt because of me. I can’t bring anyone else into it.  Yet…  my desperation grows, my morals slip, and I don’t know if I ever stood a chance alone to begin with.  Surely she is laughing at me even now, unless she’s grown tired of the jest.

Anyway

I encountered Paradyme again.  He brought me news of a marriage proposal between himself and Alothia.  That seems extremely rushed to me, but I don’t know their feelings for each other.  I don’t really understand what marriage is in the first place anyway.  It’s something that one man and one woman do, but I don’t really understand what it does for them.

Never mind.

He told me that he knew people who could help me.  He knew people that made it their profession to “find lost things.”  I highly doubt that they would find what I seek when I can not, but I can’t stop thinking about the chance that they could.  Nakko knows me. She knows what I do and why I do it.  She knows how I think and when I will act.  Maybe she won’t expect this.  Maybe strangers and outside help are not considerations she has taken into account.

I’ll find Alothia again and see if her group can even do this kind of task.  Maybe this is beyond them or not really the kind of things they find.  I have no idea.

We reunited at Camp Solitude again.  I waited just up in the visible branches.  I heard a few of them commenting on how I thought I was being sneaky.

Had I wanted to remain unnoticed, not one of them would have had any idea I was there.  The biggest threat to detecting my presence would be only Lady Eva’s hearing.  With a crowd as big as this one, I don’t think that would have been an issue.

Regardless, it seems Lady Eva has attainted some sort of title.  It was something like “priorous” I don’t know, I couldn’t get a straight answer about what that meant, and even less of an answer about how or why she received this title.  Aysun is particularly unhelpful in giving any sort of actual response.  I must have missed a lot, because some strangers hiding in the woods mistook Lady Eva for one of the Twelve.  I didn’t even know what to make of that.

It all seems to tie together in some sort of fate we all share, I suppose.  Lady Eva means to form a new group.  My heart leapt at the thought.  Though she stated this would not be Everwatch, I still hope we may do some good as we did in Everwatch as well.  I don’t know where I could fit in with the kind of group she means to form, but I pledged myself to the cause regardless.

I need to travel again it seems.  I need to seek out Alothia, so seems to reside mostly in La Nocsea at this time, and then I need to travel to Ul’dah to meet and visit with Keisuna.  I miss her dearly, and I’d like to see Shiro again as well.  It’s been so long since I left the Twelvewood.

I feel like if I leave it wouldn’t be here when I got back.  That’s a bit more arrogant than I meant it to be.  But even so, I feel a duty to my home, and leaving it would be for personal reasons.  Personal reasons that I would die for, mind you. 

Vast is the pain she has inflicted on others.

Because I hadn’t the courage to confess, things became heated.

It was just a simple walk.  Nahue and I were starting to get a little closer again, mostly thanks to him pushing me.  He’s got a kind and caring heart.  I’m not sure I deserve his love.  We happened upon him, out of the blue.  I didn’t see him soon enough to deter our path.  Rakka’li had recognized me and began speaking to us.  He could easily tell I had never mentioned him to Nahue, and thus, had not mentioned him kissing me.

Rakka’li is not one for subtlety it would seem.  That, or he prefers honesty.  He came right out and told Nahue.  He said it plain and simple.  He didn’t try and weave the story in such a way to make it seem like nothing of note like I would have.  Nahue was mad, or so I thought.  He shouted and turned away from me.  I had to follow him all the way to his workshop.  He…  he was crying.  I broke his heart.  I wish he had been mad.  I wish he yelled at me and called me a whore like Oskar did.  Let me get mad in return, and once we are both calm we could have worked it out.  But he didn’t.  All I saw was a man who gave everything up for my sake feeling wounded and betrayed.  This wasn’t fair to him, he didn’t deserve this.  I hadn’t the words to express my feelings as I saw the damage I had caused.  He spat out harsh words, but not about me.  He said this other man only wanted to use me for breeding.  I’m not even sure Rakka’li wanted even that much from me.

It leapt from my mouth without me really thinking, no…  Perhaps it leapt from my heart.  I called out to him, saying that this other man got nothing we wanted from me, and that only one man ever would breed me, and that was him.  I promised Nahue that I would give him a child of his own once I had my own back safely.  He was happy, and we talked about names and likenesses thereafter.  I really do love him.  I wish I could remember that when it’s the most difficult.

I watched the Camp Solitude again.  This eve it was only Aysun.  At first, anyway.  I’m not sure why I approached her, it’s not like either of us have much to say to the other.  She hasn’t changed at all.  Not that she would have, it’s only been what?  A moon for her?  I knew why she sat here in the Twelvewood for suns on end.  She waited for Selene of course.  I’ll admit, it’s exactly who I wished to see as well.  The conversation, if you want to call it that, was short and a bit awkward.  But then I met her brother.  His name was…  K’warou, or K’aworu I can’t remember Seeker names that well.  He was a delight.  I’d never seen such amusing behavior before.  I’ll admit, alone, he would have seemed more odd than charming, however… In contrast to Aysun’s personality of cold stone, it was amusing beyond all thought.  The way he picked at her and she endured it was such a treat to watch.  I think I like him.  I hope to meet them both again.

Afterwards, it was back to businesses usual out here.  I missed everyone.  I want to see them all again.

A moment of weakness?

Things are strange these suns.  I don’t know where I stand any more.  There are so many things that I wish I could change.  I know it isn’t right, but I’ve been trying to avoid Nahue.  It’s really sad, my reasons for it…  He cares too much, and he will be too observant.  I come home early in the morning, sometimes with injuries, sometimes with wet clothing from where I tried to wash off the…

He has noticed, I know he has.  I don’t want him to ask.  I don’t want him to worry.  He’s got a successful shop going in Gridania and he seems proud and happy.  I won’t spoil that for him. Even with his…  I mean, even though he lost…

I didn’t realize how far we had drifted apart until very recently.  Now I’m scared and worried and maybe a little confused.  I know I don’t want to lose him.  So then…  why did I let Rakka’li kiss me?  Did I let him?  I’d like to say he took it upon himself, which he did, but then I didn’t stop him.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested and attracted to him.  It’s not my fault, it’s just nature that draws me to him.  Yet I let him go no further.

Nahue doesn’t know.  I need to tell him, I want him to know so can lessen this heavy burden of guilt.  A selfish reason, yes.  But I wouldn’t feel this way if I didn’t care for him.  I wouldn’t be scared of losing him if I didn’t want to keep him.

We’ve been through all the seven hells together.  He doesn’t deserve to have this done to him.  Gods, I’m such a mess.  I’m a terrible person in all aspects of life.

Enough of that.

Shiro contacted me about the meeting at Camp Solitude.  I also spoke with Keisuna.  How I’ve missed her.  I could really use her insight right now.  I promised Shiro I would come visit her.  I have yet to pull myself away from this forest.

I waited above Camp Solitude.  I wasn’t sure anyone would show up.  Maybe it was because I’m so used up being alone out here.  When I got there, I saw people there already.  Two Seekers, a male and a female.  One of them I had never seen before, but the other seemed very familiar.  I was mostly trying to figure out if these people were just using the ruins of the camp as a temporary living space or if they were waiting for the same reason I was.  It wasn’t until later that I realized that the female was Aysun.  Gods, it’s been a long time since I have thought about that name.

Several people showed up that eve.  Lady Eva, it really was her after all, and even Turk of all people.  I feel ashamed for having completely forgotten about him.  He was riding one of those hideous brutes again.  I still hate those things.

It seems we will meet here again, and a few of us, myself included, will keep an eye on the camp for any more Everwatch survivors.

No Selene yet,  which I find odd.  I’m surprised even the red moon had the power to pry Aysun away from her.  I know it was a stupid hope, but I also really hoped that Oskar would emerge from the trees and yell at us all to get in line.  I can’t believe I still find myself missing that man. 

A ghost from the past?

**A few rough and poorly executed attempts at drawing a symbol, the old Everwatch wolves, are scattered atop the parchment.**

I’m slipping, I swear. I’m almost jumping at shadows these suns. I can’t find balance what I’ve been dealt in life. I don’t even know what is happening anymore.

The thought of it is still almost completely unbelievable, even now.

A particularly suspect woman, wearing the colors I’m so used to seeing about, sulking around the Twelveswood near known poacher grounds. I didn’t give it a second thought. It was a rare occasion that they are alone. I usually have to work to get them alo–

I attacked a woman. She wasn’t a Miqo’te, and she certainly wasn’t a poacher. But I couldn’t… I didn’t… take the time to figure it out first. That face, that voice, everything… Everything except my own common sense told me it was Lady Eva. I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe her. But never the less, she wasn’t my enemy. And… she was pregnant. Lady Eva would have given birth four cycles ago, shortly after when I did as well. This woman couldn’t really be her.

But why impersonate someone who has been dead for cycles?

I was so embarrassed, I took my mask off. I let her up, I helped her up, rather. I attacked a pregnant woman. Shameful and disgraceful. This is what I’ve become. I’m no better than they are.

I felt compelled to guide her. I wanted company for once, perhaps? Maybe I really wanted her to be that Lady Eva I remembered so fondly from the Everwatch. She knew things about me, about Lady Eva. I know I felt a hope inside that it might really be her. It just didn’t make any sense. She spoke of things that happened cycles ago as if they’d only just happened. She asked me what year it was, even. She seemed just as confused, honestly. I took her to a nearby stream, showed her the way to Gridania. I think we fell asleep there, I know I did. She was gone when I awoke later that eve. She left a note, even.

I didn’t really believe that it was truly her until a few suns later when I saw the note in the ruins of Camp Solitude. Lady Eva’s handwriting. I’d seen the notes she would leave on the board in the Everwatch HQ time and again. She wasn’t lying, that was really her. And she was calling for other Everwatch members to gather? I’d thought them all dead… the lot of them. All but those of us that fled. It was still several suns until the date Lady Eva wanted everyone to gather, but now I would keep a watchful eye over Camp Solitude.

A sun or two later, I met these… these twins. I stood in disbelief as I looked at these twin brothers, Keepers of the Moon. They were just two of four brothers on top of that. I probably seemed a bit silly in my awe of the fact that their bother not only had four sons, but twins as well. Upon learning this amazing feat, I spoke with them… well, I spoke with one of them about it. The other didn’t speak to me at all. It seems they were from the Kuhn tribe. I remember the tribe, even if I never met them as a child. They are fascinating to me. Twin Keeper men… I didn’t think I’d ever see that. Quite friendly, the both of them. I have to admit… It’s been so long since I’d spoken with anyone who came from the same kind of place that I did. I do hope I run into them again.

Picking up the quill again wasn’t easy.

I was looking for something… something important. That’s when I came across this old journal, gathering dust and forgotten for nearly a cycle now. I’ve never been one to worry about the date when I write, but I suppose it’s been so long I should at least mention that it’s 1577 now.

I didn’t want to write anymore. That’s why I threw this where I wouldn’t see it. Out of sight out of mind, and it worked. But now I found it and now I write.

There are so many things that I don’t want to write about. So much has happened. There’s a reason I tore so many pages from my journal and there’s a reason I hid the book itself. There’s a reason… More than one reason.

But I miss it so much, not writing only makes things worse.

I can’t promise these pages that I’ll disclose everything anymore… But I at least need to write something. So…

A number of weeks past I found a young Hyur man in the Twelveswood. I’ve never seen him around before, but he claimed he lived in Gridania and it was like a second home to him. The most noticeable thing about the man was his long red hair. It seemed he enjoyed the lake as I did. We talked for a bit about a few various things. It was a nice and pleasant distraction… a welcome deviation from my purpose out there. It was… nice. Maybe I shouldn’t allow my life to be so consumed, but then that makes me feel like I’ve given up… and I’ll never give up.

It was a few weeks later when that same man found me again. Paradyme was his name. I told him I bathed at the waterfall there… I suppose it was sort of a warning, not an invitation. It was quite awkward when he found me there doing just that. It was more awkward considering that he was doing the same thing there that I was. I would likely have forgotten his name before, but I’ll never forget it after that. After the awkward moment had passed, we sat for a picnic that he had brought with him. It was quite nice, actually.

And to top it off, I ran into this man again, having a picnic in the exact same place, with a woman I remembered at being one of the lovers Oskar had before myself. Her name is Alothia, and she’s a very kind person. I’ve talked to her cycles and cycles ago, but I don’t remember it all that well. The two of them invited me to sit with them for a while, and we had a pleasant little talk for a while. It seems the two of them were a couple. They seemed pretty happy together.

It reminded me of Nahue. I didn’t show it, but those old feelings of guilt started to resurface.

I need to make sure he knows I still love him. But… I don’t want him to always be reminded… Do I talk like nothing ever happened, or do I address it and make sure he knows I still care? It’s all my fault, I can’t address it. I’ll just start to cry again. I spend so much time away from him. I don’t want him to see me and be reminded of everything all over again. I know that’s not the best way to handle things, but… I have things I need to do anyway, and he has his projects as well. The people he has helping him at the shop are far better at helping him than I ever could be. I’m useless to him when it comes to his work…

I guess a big reason I felt I needed to write is… I finally saw Nel and Isilme for the first time in a very long time. They know me better than most ever will. They could see through my mask. They knew something was wrong. I can’t lie to them. I broke down, no amount of avoiding the topic was working. Isilme is just as stubborn as ever. They know what happened. No one but Nahue knew what happened before this. I guess I can’t really keep it a secret forever, but… I wanted this solved before anyone knew there was a problem.

I can only try so much harder before I’m completely neglecting Nahue entirely. I don’t see him much as it is, thanks to… my mission. If I put anymore of myself into this, I’ll be taking him out of my life even more.